Kensington Gardens, W8

Originally Published in Time Out London, Aug 27-Sep 2, 2009

Of all the buildings in the Kensington area the Royal Albert Hall and Albert Memorial are arguably more architecturally significant than the nearby public conveniences but few people today realise that the toilets were originally intended by Queen Victoria to be the sole memorial to her late husband, as the result of a misfortune that befell him back in 1841.

     Prince Albert was riding through Hyde Park one evening when he was struck by the overwhelming urge to use the lavatory so, holding it in as best he could, he swiftly rode to the nearest royal palace but failed to make it and subsequently soiled his favourite breeches. Recalling the event after his death, Victoria decided the most appropriate way to commemorate Albert was to build a toilet but the Prime Minister, William Gladstone, argued that this was hardly befitting his royal status so Victoria reluctantly assented to the construction of the concert hall and memorial. However, to this day some people say that if you are in South Kensington on a dark autumn evening you can hear the haunting intestinal gurgling of Albert's ghost, searching in vain for a toilet, but unable to rest until it has found one.

RIP The Big Smoke

It was a few weeks back that a heavy-hearted e-mail came thudding into my inbox from Peter Watts, the visionary editor of Time Out's Big Smoke, harbingering the news that the section was to be axed from the magazine. And this week it has finally come to pass: the Big Smoke has dissipated into the early autumn air and will now exist only in our hearts and memories (and on the internet), which also sadly means that Stall Stories shall no longer exist in printed form. In a strange piece of reverse symmetry, the final column to appear (recalling the legend of how the toilets in Kensington Gardens were built as a memorial to Prince Albert) was, I believe, the first one I ever wrote.

But the adventure is far from over. As with the Big Smoke, I intend to keep Stall Stories alive here on the internet, and to continue uncovering the hidden histories of London's public conveniences. As long as the capital's toilets have stories to tell, I shall keep on telling them...

Baker Street, W1

Originally Published in Time Out London, Aug 20-26 2009

On a road made famous by Sherlock Holmes it is fitting that even the public toilets on Baker Street have links with the great detective, as recently discovered papers reveal that Sir Arthur Conan Doyle originally planned to have Holmes pondering complicated cases whilst sitting on the lavatory rather than smoking the pipe that would become his trademark. It was not until friends suggested the public would not take to a detective who spent his time grunting and straining on the toilet that Conan Doyle reluctantly rewrote the story.

     The nearby public toilets did, however, appear in two Holmes tales: in the first, Holmes is pursuing Professor Moriarty only for him to vanish into thin air. Puzzled, Holmes returns to his flat, unaware that his nemesis is hiding in the toilets directly underneath him, crouched between the hand dryer and the condom machine. In the second, Dr Watson is caught short as he and Holmes are on their way to Scotland Yard and uses the toilet whilst Holmes waits impatiently outside, spending the rest of their journey complaining that he should have gone before they left the flat. The toilets' appearance in these stories has made them a favourite of Holmes enthusiasts ever since.

Bishop's Park, SW6

Originally Published in Time Out London, August 13-19 2009

This toilet earned its place in cinema history when it was used during the filming of the 1976 horror classic The Omen; the scene in question featured a priest running through the park as he is pursued by Satan but after several takes the director became concerned that the actor playing the priest was failing to convey the level of fear expected of someone being hounded by Beelzebub. One of the crew members, however, noticed the nearby toilet and had an idea: he told the actor to have a rest before the next take, gave him a large pot of coffee and led him to a trailer, telling him he would be called for in half an hour, then locked him inside.

     Four hours later the cameras were set up and the trailer (which had no toilet) was unlocked; moments later the unfortunate actor burst out of the door and raced to the toilet in a blind panic, all of which was captured on film, and to this day film fans are largely unaware that the priest’s terrified expression, apparently one of someone in mortal fear of the Dark Lord, is in fact that of a man with a almost uncontrollable need to relieve himself.

London Bridge, SE1

Originally Published in Time Out London, August 6-12, 2009

In recent years an argument has raged between historians regarding who invented the flushing toilet, with some attributing it to Thomas Crapper and some arguing that it was actually invented by his great rival, Sir Henry Shitter. Others, however, say the credit should in fact go to Dick Whittington, the four-time Lord Mayor of London, who had the capital's first ever public toilet built on London Bridge in 1421 and which was said to have employed a primitive mechanism that used the Thames to flush away waste.

     The Whittington Longhouse, as it became known, was a 128-seat facility but, like so much of what we known about Whittington, the exact truth has long since been obscured by centuries of pantomime-related myth. For example, in the mid 1950s some academics claimed that not only was the flushing toilet invented by Whittington but that the litter tray was invented by his famous talking cat, although others argued that the litter tray was a much later invention, and also that the cat's linguistic abilities had been greatly exaggerated over the years. Nonetheless, whilst London's first public toilet is no longer there, its creation stands in testimony to the vital role that Whittington played in the history of London's public conveniences.

Piccadilly Circus, W1

Originally Published in Time Out London, July 23-29, 2009

The original toilets in Piccadilly Circus station, though now closed and replaced by some impressively clean and modern facilities, were to many people the archetypal London public toilets due to their combination of appalling sanitary conditions, used heroin needles and peculiar grunting noises coming from the cubicles, and tourists from all over the world visited them to see a slice of authentic London life. For many years, school trips would include a visit to them in their itineraries and children used to enjoy collecting the used needles they found on the floor until health and safety-obsessed killjoys put a stop to the practice in the mid 1990s.

  On a state visit to the toilets in 1998 Prince Charles praised their 'wonderfully quaint and authentic charms' and when their closure was announced in 2001 he led a campaign to keep them open by attempting to have them declared a World Heritage Site; the closure went ahead, but many people felt that a part of London's history had been lost forever. However, Prince Charles, always keen to preserve Britain's heritage, bought the original fixtures and fittings in 2002 and had a life-size replica of the toilets made, which can now be enjoyed as part of the Buckingham Palace tour.

Primrose Hill, NW1

Originally Published in Time Out London June 18-24 2009

Primrose Hill earned its place in literary history when HG Wells used it as the location of the Martians' headquarters in his novel the War of the Worlds, which he was inspired to write after seeing a series of images taken using primitive telescopes in the late 19th century that seemed to show canals running across the surface of Mars.

     Wells set about writing a novel in which Martians travel to earth having rendered their own planet uninhabitable due to an ill-conceived system of open-air sewers but his publishers argued that this was a less than gripping subject for a novel and urged him to rewrite it so that the Martians' motivation was evil galactic domination rather than to get sanitation tips and advice on how to build toilets. Wells reluctantly agreed but retained two things from his original draft. He kept the ending, in which the aliens are on the verge of world domination only to be killed off by a mysterious disease, as a chilling warning of the dangers of poor hygiene, and he kept the setting of Primrose Hill as he reasoned that aliens escaping poor sewerage would want to base themselves near to some excellent public toilets. 

Putney Embankment, SW15

Originally Published in Time Out London, June 4-10 2009

Now sadly closed and falling into disrepair, the public convenience in Putney gained its place in infamy when the murderer John Christie (of 10 Rillington Place) was apprehended there in 1953 whilst on the run from the police. It was a week since the warrant for Christie’s arrest had been issued and whilst crime historians disagree over why he went to Putney the commonly accepted explanation is that he was caught short whilst on the tube so alighted there to look for a toilet. However, being the subject of a police manhunt had made Christie nervous and agitated, and in his confusion he followed the signs to the ladies’ toilet, a mistake that was to cost him dearly. Realising that the gents’ was ten minutes in the other direction, Christie broke into a run, which aroused suspicion amongst passers by on the high street, one of whom recognised him and called the police.

     Christie did find the toilet but it cost him vital minutes: as he left the cubicle he was arrested before he could even wash his hands and although he was allowed to wash them once he got to the police station it was only a minor consolation as he was tried, found guilty and hanged at Pentonville later that year.  

Marble Arch, W1

Originally featured in Time Out London, 14-20 May 2009

Many tourists get hopelessly lost trying to find the toilets at Marble Arch due to the labyrinth of underpasses that surrounds the station, but few know of the reason for this apparently illogical design. For when Speakers’ Corner was created in 1872 some MPs were concerned about the effect free speech would have on a volatile public so agreed to it as long as they were allowed to design the nearby conveniences, for reasons that became apparent shortly after they opened, during a speech by Karl Marx.

    Midway through his oratory, Marx went off to use the lavatory but struggled to find it and after walking around for a while soon became horribly lost and disorientated, at one point entering the ladies’ toilet by mistake and being chased out by an irate old woman who took him to be a pervert. By the time he had found the gents’ and returned to his podium, almost half an hour had passed and his audience had grown bored and wandered off, which was exactly what the MPs had intended when they designed the facility. Historians have subsequently cited this as one of the major examples of political ideologies failing to take off as a result of cunning toilet design.